The Sweetest Mistake
by LovelyLivy
Summary: "The fact of the matter is, the apple never does fall far from the tree. And no mother is perfect." AU, to an extent.
1. Author's Note

**Hello, Peoples of the World! **

**I've never had an author's note in a chapter form before, so this is a very big deal. I promise I won't write an Obama worthy speech, however. :)**

**First of all, I'm making another Gibblet. I know, I know, but this time it's Jibbs. So, it's obviously much different. **

**I want to get one thing very straight and say that this is not going to be your average Paris Love Child that lives with Jenny and has a happy-go-lucky life and loves her mother like she is God. No. Nooo. But, I also promise she will not be some wannabe 'gangsta' who is ignorant enough to smoke marijuana and drink alcohol.**

** Another promise; there will be NO spanking. Absolutely not. I am, however, NOT against the idea at all in real life, I just will NEVER write about it. I mean, really? **

**I promise this will be bittersweet, angsty, and a bit depressing at times. It's the twelve-year-old hormones coming out. ;)**

**Have fun!**

**Love,**

**Alivia xoxo**


	2. October of 2000

_October- 2000_

The cold, white interior of the hospital was utterly impersonal. Nurses bustled about in an attempt to earn their next paycheck, likely treating each patient as a number instead of a living, breathing person. Jenny had never liked hospitals anyway.

The smell. The color. The temperature. Everything was wrong.

She attempted to detatch herself from what exactly she was doing. Gritting her teeth, she then clenched her emerald eyes shut as tight as possible in order to try and forget those two beautiful cries that had sounded in her ears just a few hours prior.

Because since when was crying beautiful?

Barbra, the caseworker she'd first met with a few months ago had told her it would be difficult. She'd said it in such a sweet voice, Jenny hadn't fully grasped the meaning. She didn't realize it would be this hard. Could ever be, for that matter.

Jenny hadn't even bonded with the child yet.

The caesarean's incision ached dully and flared up each time she moved and did so as she rolled to her side slightly. Machines beeped annoyingly nearby, and the IV in her wrist made her skin itch. Jenny took a deep breath, and waited.

She waited for some sign she was doing the right thing.

The woman arrived, a bit later. She wore a Pepto-Bismol pink dress and a fake, frozen smile upon her face. Barbra followed soon after, baring the papers to sign.

For a second Jenny felt the slightest bit insecure, in the light blue plastic hospital gown and hair matted from the sweat of earlier. This was the woman who would raise her child.

"I just need your signature for the official record. You'll receive a copy of the birth certificate if you wish, as I said last month. Do you have any questions as far as that goes?"

Barbra spoke, but Jenny didn't really hear her. She stares on blankly, and then all of a sudden Barbra nods sadly. "Still in a bit of a shock, huh?"

She comes over to sit next to the bed in an uncomfortable chair, and it is then Jenny realizes Tammy Tuckerman, the woman who adopting the baby, hasn't said a word. She looks at her now. Tammy won't meet her eyes.

"Ms. Tuckerman." She catches her attention, and those watery blue eyes stare up at her dumbly. "I know we've talked."

The older woman nods fast, and then gives a small smile. "I promise to take care of Sarah to the best of my ability. And give her the best home she could ask for."

The redhead winces a bit at the name choice. Plain. The words she's said for weeks sound rehearsed all of a sudden, and Jenny doesn't like it.

Jenny opens her mouth to say something, but at that moment one of those mechanical nurses arrive, and she carries the topic of the conversation. When the nurse remembers that this is an 'adoption' baby, she turns to walk out of the room, but someone stops her.

"Can I see?"

Everyone freezes for just a moment before Barbra understands the request and grants, however with another sad nod. It's the first time she'd seen her since those two cries, and she is reluctant at first to hold her. But the nurse motions, and she has to hold out her arms.

She's never been the kid-type. Maternal instincts don't come naturally to her. That's why this whole situation was chosen in the first place. There are things Jenny wants to do. Things she _has _to do in her job. There is no father, no. She doesn't even go there anymore.

Yet, none of this stops the connection.

The baby has auburn hair, just peach fuzz now, but Jenny can see it. She has those features all babies do, but she swears she can see the little girl's nose being similar to hers. It's hesitant, but she reaches up to stroke her cheek. That's when it happens.

The baby's eyes fly open in an instant, and then the new mother knows that they'll be blue. Like his eyes. Just like them. The thought makes her swallow hard.

A throat is cleared, and Jenny looks up from the still staring baby to see the fake smile and the sweet old woman from the adoption agency.

Someone asks her the question, but their tone says they already know the answer.

"You can't do it, can you?"

She doesn't know who it is, because she's looking back down at the baby, stroking one little rosy cheek.

"No," her mouth is a little dry. "I can't give her up."

Suddenly, the job doesn't matter so much anymore.


	3. January of 2002

**Here you go! Based upon my aunt and the constant battle of single mothers. They are the true superheroes in this world. :)**

**Please review! And THANK YOU to all who have already. You make me so happy. **

**Thanks!**

**Alivia**

**Disclaimer: Do not own. Nope. Zilch. If I did...I wouldn't have to be accompanied to go into PG-13 movies. Teehee.**

* * *

_January, 2002_

Red heels clacked against gray pavement as Jennifer Shepard made her way up her sidewalk towards her home, exhausted from the case she'd just worked for nearly three days straight. She hadn't been home to shower, or eat, or do other things that are normal tasks. She also hadn't seen her sixteen month old daughter in that period of time.

Thank God for her sweet housekeeper, Noemi. Without her, Jenny doubts she would have been able to get by at all. As it was now, it was a tough situation for all involved.

She fumbles for her keys in her purse, and hurries to open the door. The smell of food wafts towards her, and she takes a deep breath, eyes adjusting to the lighting. It feels good to be home.

"I'm here," she says as she approaches the doorway of the kitchen, hoping to get the poor Hispanic woman's attention as not to startle her. She's cooking enchiladas; good ones. Jenny licks her lips.

"Hola, Senora," the older woman murmurs happily, flashing her bright smile. She feeds her daughter who sits at a highchair in the corner, and quickly replaces the lid of the food in order to communicate with Jenny more freely. The sixteen month old girl doesn't like it. At all.

She fusses, and both women turn to look at her.

"Oh, dolce," Noemi admonishes gently, ruffling the auburn curls, quieting her. "Why do you act like this the second mama comes home?"

Jenny purses her lips. "Thank you so much, Noemi. The case was just so..."

The woman holds her hand up, and raises a dark eyebrow teasingly.

"That is what you pay me for, no?" Both smile.

"I have made dinner, but I cannot stay long. I have with babes of my own," she says sweetly, stroking the baby's cheek. The baby scrunches up her little nose, making Jenny smile.

Jenny thanks Noemi again as she leaves, and bids her farewell.

The second the door closes, a new story line plays out.

Blue eyes well up with tears, and a small mouth opens wide as wailing pierces the previously rather peaceful home. Lillian Shepard decided she was unhappy. And that was definitely a force to be reckoned with.

Jenny hurried back to the kitchen, where she made an attempt to hush the child. When Lily made it very clear she didn't want anymore food, (chucking the pieces of carrot at the ground) Jenny lifted the squirming girl from the seat, and carried her into the study where a couch awaited.

Gentle, slender fingers stroked one chubby cheek, and that hushing alto voice tried to lull the kid, but nothing seemed to work. Jenny was not really used to Lilly being this temperamental. A headache began to set in as she rubbed the little girl's belly. Those loud wails turned quieter and then disappeared all together eventually, leaving simply small hiccups. Jenny knew Lily was tired, as meaty fists reached up to cover eyes.

Jenny tried not to be put out by the fact that the second she got home and Noemi left Lily did begin to fuss. She tries to put it off as just being tired.

She tries to ignore that it might be contributed to the fact she hasn't seen her in days.

She saw Jethro the other day. It was a short moment, at the agency. She also saw his wedding ring, and the freshly tousled hair. Can't stop thinking that maybe the two are connected, because they also might not be. And she has no right to be jealous. She's the one who walked away.

The fire Noemi must have put on earlier is soothing, and with the constant motion of a mother's hand, Lillian Juliette Shepard is soon fast asleep.

Jenny carries her up the stairs carefully and places her in her bassinet. She shuts the door, because Lil is easy to wake up, like her father was. Moving to her own bedroom, Jenny kicks off her heels and eats her dinner quietly. She sleeps that night, thankful that Lily is sleeping through it.

She tries not to regret anything.

Even the fact that she can't help but mentally wince every time Lily does something that reminds her of Jethro. She is grateful. In a way. As she is also alone.

It's a tough line to walk.


	4. November of 2003

**Here you go. THANK YOU SO MUCH to all my reviewers. I promise to respond to all of them soon. :)**

**Alivia**

* * *

_November of 2002_

At six-thirty in the morning, the airport terminal was already filled with serious businessmen in expensive shoes and designer suits, and weary tourists who know nothing of this foreign capital of America. Few real 'families' waited in the white-tiled hallways, and if you saw a child they were rarely conscious. But she was, somehow.

The three year old brushed her curls from her face and straightened her cotton long-sleeved shirt for the umpteenth time in the past twenty minutes. She fidgeted, and kicked the legs of the uncomfortable chair in which she sat in, and sang broken parts of a television show's theme song she'd heard yesterday morning whilst eating her fruit loops.

Her pearly white teeth tugged lightly at her slightly chapped bottom lip, and her crystal blue eyes sparkled as she imagined what was to happen in a few moments. Excitement wouldn't leave her alone, her heart going the speed of a hummingbird's wings.

Naomi squeezed her petite shoulder in a comforting gesture, giving a tired smile. For the woman knew the little girl had barely stopped talking about this reunion for days. She hadn't seen her mother in nearly six weeks.

"That's mama's plane, bambina," the little girl's Nanny whispered in her ear, pointing outside the large window to a plane that had just arrived, the letters on the side a blue, barely visible in the dark early morning. You could make it out, though.

_European Airlines, _it read.

Naomi pursed her lips. Jenny had said she would contact the home every night when she'd left, and yet Naomi had only received three calls. Two of which Jenny stated she couldn't talk too long and therefore could not talk to Lilly. The contact between the two was scarce, and it worried the Hispanic woman. But, watching Lilly's eyes alight, she knew the bond could not ever be broken.

Lilly's adoration for her mother superseded all. She was such an innocent little child.

Soon the young girl could hear the soothing, familiar sound of heels clacking against floor, and could make out the red locks among the crowd. She let go of her nanny's hand and ran, just as fast as her princess pink boots could carry her, towards the form of her mother.

Nanny called out, but she did not listen.

There was a squeaking sound, and then she felt the force of her body in the air, then a hard clunk as she fell to the tiled floor, flat on her back. A sharp pain ripped through her hands, and her head felt tender. She began to cry.

On the opposite end of things, Jenny Sheppard was in far from good shape.

Her head throbbed with each step she took, and her back ached from the knife wound she's sustained nearly four weeks prior. Cairo was hot, and the heat was an untamed kind of thing. Ziva David was a good partner to work with, and she wished to see her again. Soon.

She still missed home, however, and couldn't wait to be able to tuck her daughter into bed again. To see that smile in Lilly's eyes when she'd discover something knew. To be a mom.

So, feeling the relief of seeing that small frame from just thirty feet away, then watching as her little girl ran, slipped, and was kicked _twice _was definitely a roller coaster of emotions that had her screaming out her daughter's name in fear.

Her little body rolled to the side as she curled up and silent sobs wracked through her, and Jenny had never sprinted faster in heels in her life.

It was a quick thing, picking up the three year old, carrying her over to the couch, and glancing back to see if _anyone _had stopped. If anyone cared.

Naomi shrieked, fear apparent in her eyes.

Lilly had been kicked in the leg, a bruise already starting to form, and once in the arm. Making sure nothing was broken, Jenny looked down at her daughter's reddened face and almost wanted to begin to bawl herself when Lilly said in such a small little voice,

"'M okay, mommy. I missed you."

She held her small arms out and winced, but continued to perform the action as the redhead held her as gently as possible.

"I missed you too, Lilly. Oh, I love you."

She buried her nose in her daughter's sweet-smelling curls, and deftly ignored the fact that tears trickled down her cheeks and she felt a little more of a woman than she did five minutes prior.

Home, sweet home.


	5. December of 2004

Green. It reminded her of a her mommy's eyes, which were the prettiest thing she'd ever seen, so she chose it first. A horizontal line for the fresh grass. She colored it in.

Little fingers grasped a bright yellow. Her mommy loved the sun, especially in the summer, which is what she sketched in a corner.

A box and triangle of blue. A rectangle of it too. A perfect little home.

Crayon whizzed across white as she shaded it in neatly.

Black for the bodies. Red for the hair. Blue and green for the eyes. Pretty pink dresses. A blue sky as well.

A petite head is cocked to the side as a self-critiquing four year old admires her work. It had to be perfect. It just _had _to. Mommy had been a way for such a long time before, and she didn't want her to go away again.

And it was her special day, anyway.

She signed her work; because that's what all the famous people did. Mommy would be so proud.

The little girl adjusted herself in the big chair, and placed her tools back in the bright colored box.

The door to the study swung open, and she shrieked. It made such a loud noise as it banged against the wall.

"Lillian Shepard! What have I told you about shutting and _locking _doors?"

"But, mommy, it wasn't locked. And I have a surprise," she murmured quickly, eyes pleading with her mother to understand.

Jenny paused a moment, then her emerald orbs narrowed slightly. She pursed her lips, giving a breath of silence for her daughter to continue.

Lilly grinned. She knew precisely how to play this in order to get the best possible reaction from her mother.

"I drew a picture..."

Jenny's head of red spotted the stack of scribbled on papers like a rusty rubber band snapping. A shaky gasp was drawn from her lips. Her eyes widened in a way that wasn't healthy.

"Oh god." She was at the desk in an instant, picking up the reports she'd spent _days _completing. Reports that could cost her the job. And sadly, papers that were now ruined beyond repair.

A moment of ominous quiet later, the little girl's voice punctured it.

"Do you like it?" It was bright, like she expected a parade to be thrown for her hard work.

Jenny bit her tongue and tasted blood, tears pooling in her emerald eyes, frustrated, willing to calm down. Her daughter was just a child.

All that hard work, though. And, somehow, anger got the best of her.

"What have I told you about being in the study? I _told you _there were important papers on my desk, didn't I? That you weren't to touch them? Ever?"

Lilly froze in her seat, then shrunk back at the tone of her mom's voice. Because she had never seen her mommy _this _angry.

"Mommy, I.."

"Why would you do something like this?" Jenny said, her eyes now glued to the papers, walking towards the fireplace mantle. Her body radiated tension.

Lilly hopped down from the chair and walked towards her mother, attempting to help.

"I could help fix it..."

"No. Just go away Lilly. I'm very disappointed with you right now."

The words made the four year old's stomach ache, and she left with a stream of tears running down her porcelain cheeks.

Her mommy hated her picture.

* * *

"Senora, I think there is something wrong with Lillian."

Jenny sat at the wooden desk, eyes set firmly upon the new report which she only had two days to finish. She blew air from her lips, and her hair flew up in a puff.

"Lilly decided it would be a bright idea to scribble all over my work today."

Noemi's gasped, and lifted a free hand to cover her mouth, causing the redhead to look up and adjust the glasses that were perched on her nose.

"What?"

"Oh, no. Senora, please...oh, no."

Becoming increasingly alarmed, Jenny sat the papers down all together and sighed, frustrated even more.

"Noemi, please, just spit it out."

"It is your birthday today, yes? I told Lilly that it would be a wonderful idea to do something to make the day special. She suggested maybe drawing you a picture."

Looking down at the white parchment, the redhead felt her stomach begin to drop.

"I told her that you had paper in the study. I started dinner. I hadn't realized she had...I'm sorry, Senora."

"That's okay, Noemi. Thank you for clearing things...up."

It felt a little hard to breath, then.

The housekeeper went home for the night, and Jenny never returned to her work.

Heavy steps up the staircase that lead to the first door on the right.

A room decorated in Princess theme. A small body underneath hot pink covers, a moving mass. Jenny could hear sniffling.

The bed dipped when her mother sat, and Lilly stuck a head of auburn curls from beneath the blanket. The air was cold upon her tear-stained cheeks.

"Mommy, I'm so sorry!"

Jenny held her, and bit her own lip because she wanted nothing more than to punish her own stupid self.

"Baby, it's not your fault."

A rugged intake of breath.

"It was stupid, what I did. I shouldn't of drawn a picture. I'm not good at it."

Jenny lifted the little girl and placed her in her lap, stroking her forehead. She tasted more copper.

"No, Lilly, no. This was my fault. The picture was beautiful," she soothed.

"But you put it in the trash. You didn't even look at it," Lilly whimpered, and buried her face in the mother's chest.

Closing her eyes, Jenny realized nothing she could say would ever make this any better.


	6. August of 2005

**Any mistakes are that of mine and Word Perfect, because I still have no Beta for this story. The new chapter of WSBB will be up soon, as well as a one-shot for my fellow Tiva Luvers. ;)**

**This chapter will be the catalyst of the rest of this story. It was particularly hard to establish because it has such an in-detailed plot, and it's a lot to wrap one's mind around in a simple chapter...from the thoughts and feelings of the characters, to the meaning. Anyway, it's midnight here and I still have a one-shot to write, regardless of the fact my bedtime was hours ago. Hope Mom doesn't wake up! Lol. :)**

**-Livvy**

**Disclaimer: Don't own anything except this exact storyline and little Lily. **

* * *

It had been a lovely day, before everything had gone horribly wrong.

The warm air of mid-August had been a comfort, because Jenny hated cold weather. The flowers Noemi had planted earlier that spring were still blooming, regardless of the heat. Lily had woken to the smell of bacon and eggs, then watched cartoons (because it was a Saturday and everyone knew the best ones were on then).

Jenny had braided her hair and helped her pick out a cute sun dress with green-blue flowers on it, because that was her favorite color. Lily watched some more cartoons, then, because Mommy had to take a few calls in the study, and she never went in there.

There hadn't been much dialogue, just smiles here and there.

Lily had been too immersed in the program to realize her mother had gone into her room and was packing a large pink tote full of her clothes.

Around three o'clock the redhead had commented that they could go to the local park, to which Lily readily agreed, because the park was her favorite place besides school. Gray concrete was hard against the soles of thin flip-flops. Jenny's hair was up in a loose bun because that's the style it had been in the day prior, and she was still too tired to take it down. The woman felt weak, and tired. Regretful.

Yet, she put on a big grin because her daughter's happiness superceded her own.

At least that's what she attempted to tell herself.

The mother and daughter stopped to get ice cream at the little side parlor, both getting strawberry. The sun cast a warm glow upon everything, and so here they sat upon a dark wooden bench just beneath a few pine trees.

Busy bustle in the local park had slowly deteriorated, and the sun was beginning to wane. Lily talked about wanting a puppy for her upcoming birthday. Jenny still smiled tightly and nodded, because, well, that's what she had to do.

Lately, Jenny had to support her actions with a reason because realism was her lifeline.

She had agreed to Morrow's offer because this is what she'd worked for her entire life. Jenny had never told Jethro about Lily because things couldn't get complicated in her world. Complications were obliterated because the happenings they could cause would make things unsafe...for everyone involved.

Lily was going to go far, far, away from her...because...she had to be safe.

That is how she tells herself she found herself in this position. The awkward one.

The one where you have to tell your daughter to 'finish up her ice cream, because you have a surprise for her.' That position.

Lily is done in a few minutes that seem like years because Jenny knows the inevitable words that will come next. They roll from her tongue like a lullaby, yet moisture pools in those emerald orbs because she knows this is the end.

"Lilly, we're going to go on a little trip..."

Lily's eyes were so trusting and blue. Jenny had chewed the inside of her cheek raw.

Their hands stayed intertwined, a small one encased inside a larger, matured one.

A shaking one.

* * *

Jenny had expected her daughter to be scared of the aircraft, because she'd never been on one before. But Lilly was always full of surprises, and didn't even flinch as the plane took off. She expected her daughter to have a room full of questions, and all she got was a little smile from the almost-five year old. A smile that made her heart clench a little.

The redhead doesn't think she needs to be telling the little girl what will take place in the next few hours, because she has worries of her own. Worries that include her team's whereabouts back in D.C. and how they will handle the constant case load without her. She doesn't think about the fact Noemi never got to say goodbye.

She doesn't think the latter at all because she continuously tells herself this is _not _a goodbye. Not forever.

Just until Christmas Break, which the Dean said she could prolong a few more weeks if she pleased. SecNav's children went to this place as well. He'd been the one to suggest it to her.

He'd said this would be the safest way.

Every true meaning of this doesn't exactly 'hit' Jenny until she feels hot breath on the bare skin of her arm and her head snaps to the right, where she sees her daughter has fallen into a peaceful slumber in the middle of an airplane ride.

She glances at the clock on the overhead, that states they have nearly eight more hours until they arrive in Europe.

Green eyes darken as she realizes she only has eight hours left with her little girl.

Suddenly, the constant sleep-deprivation she lives with tackles her with a vengeance. She pulls up the arm rest and lets Lily burrow into her just a bit more, falling back against the plush seat of First-Class. Jenny closes her eyes and doesn't let a single tear slip through because it's easier for everyone this way.

She strokes her daughter's auburn curls and continues to tell herself this; like a lullaby.

Jenny soon falls asleep.

* * *

Street lights cause shadows to filter throughout the cars leather-interior. A four year old girl is still fast asleep in the backseat, where her mother laid her just a few minutes prior. She sucks her thumb and snores a bit, which causes her mother to give a sullen smile.

Well-manicured hands grip the steering wheel as she reads the street signs that pass by, adjusting easily to the language she knew too well nearly six years ago. This place of love brings back too many memories.

Lily doesn't wake when she pulls into the large estate, or when she parks the car.

Lily doesn't wake when she hands the doorman her credentials and tells him her daughter is a new student. He looks tired too.

A woman with long brown hair meets Jenny at the first doors, glancing at the child in her arms and then to the suitcase by her feet. With a serious nod, she takes the luggage, beckoning the redhead to carry the child on into the building. School. Which ever.

Jenny brushes away the thought that this is the soundest her baby girl has ever slept before.

They go to a long corridor with dark blue-carpeted hallways and brightly decorated doors. It seems like the walk is forever, and finally they stop upon one with drawings sheets of cats in bright colors strewn across the wood.

Jenny tries to ignore the niggling thought that Lily hates cats, is allergic to them, in fact.

The woman has barely spoken a word to her until they are inside the room. There are two beds, one being occupied by a little girl who sleeps around a litter of stuffed animals, and the other bare.

"She knows French, yes?"

Jenny nods, shifting the little girl in her arms. Just then, her little eyelids flutter open, adjusting to the unfamiliar surroundings.

"Where are we?" She asks, curiosity apparent in her soft voice.

Jenny doesn't say anything at first, because she doesn't know how to phrase anything.

The woman with the brown hair steps like it was her who was asked.

"You silly girl, we are at school. It will be so much fun, and your roommate, Caroline, has been waiting so long to meet you," her accented voice speaks lowly, fervently, as not to wake the other little girl.

The redhead waits with bated breath for her daughter to respond. When she does, it's not anything she wants to hear.

"Mommy, when are we going home?"

Anne, the brunette, picks up on this tone, this attitude, quicker than anything Jenny's ever seen. While she's still frozen, (something she never is), Anne is quick to find logic.

To find reason.

"Ah, Lily, is it?"

The little girl nods, attention now on the woman.

"How would you like to meet someone very special?"

Thirty minutes later, Lily Shepard is asleep once again, this time a soft stuffed teddy bear tucked inside her grasp. She lies beneath the plain white bed sheets, and Jenny carefully drapes the comforter from her room upon her.

Anne stands at the doorway. Gauging the redhead, waiting for questions.

It's hesitant, when Jenny leaves. She never says goodbye, because it's not.

She kisses her daughter's forehead, though, because four months is so long.

"Jenny, yes?" A nod, a grim attempt at a smile.

"It will get easier."

Jenny suddenly likes this woman. She doesn't sugar coat things, or promise her Lily will love it here. She doesn't say this is a great opportunity for Lily, even though it is. This is the third best boarding school in the world. Jenny can only afford it because SecNav has already given her a bonus before she becomes official Director.

She gets into her car that night, and doesn't start the engine right away, because she doesn't have the energy to. She doesn't have the energy to do a lot of things, anymore.

* * *

Bright sunlight filters in through thin blinds, which wakes her up instantly. It doesn't smell like bacon and eggs, and her head hurts. She feels sick, and immediately wants to alert her mother. She calls for her, but there is no answer.

She twists on the bed, and then realizes that the mattress doesn't feel right either.

She kicks back the blankets, and a strangled gasp makes its way up her throat.

_This is not her home._

The walls are too white. There are _two _beds instead of just _hers. _A girl sits on the bed across from her, and the girl snickers. Fear pumps deep inside her veins.

She wishes for it all to be a bad dream, then. She screams, loud, causing her throat to hurt, and the stupid snickering girl stops and covers her ears. It's a mercy, but not enough.

Usually, when she screams, Mommy wakes her up.

A woman comes in and soothes her, but she doesn't want to be soothed by some woman. The brown haired woman also speaks French, which she knows she only speaks just barely.

Finally, through the panic, the pure fear, comes tumbling words that don't make a lot of sense but feel natural flowing from her mouth.

"I don't like it here! I wanna go _home!"_

The there's the woman, who smells like perfume, but not the kind her mother wears.

"Why don't you like it here?" the little girl who sits on the other bed asks.

"Because...because..."

Suddenly, she doesn't know quite specifically _why. _

Suddenly, she feels very stupid, and betrayed, and abandoned.

Because that certain realization comes that her own mother is the one who put her in this place. Her own mother didn't _want her. _

Lily Shepard buries her face in a clean smelling pillow and sobs, because she doesn't know any reason anymore. The actions are unspeakable, unidentifiable.

For the first time in her life, the thought crosses her mind that maybe Mommy isn't as great as everyone thinks she is. It's a bitter pill to swallow.

To think, just yesterday it had been such a lovely day.


	7. When No One Watches

**Please beware of the rating. Heavy T because there are a lot of things alluding to molestation. **

**I'm going to attempt to update more often, sorry! :)**

**-Livia**

* * *

_Once upon a time there was a little princess who was sent to a faraway kingdom a long ways away from her home. She didn't want to go, at first._

_She cried for days, and wouldn't eat. Wore a pout and snapped at this other princess who just wanted to be friends with her. It got better, though._

_She started enjoying the things she was learning at the pretty kingdom. Decided painting and reading was fun and that she didn't really need her Mommy. _

_The Mommy who had sent her here and hadn't said goodbye. _

_The princess became best friends with the other princess, too. Her name was Caroline, and she had long hair that was the color of the sun, and blue eyes too. _

_Princess Caroline smelled like berries, and had a funny laugh. She gave the princess a paint set for her birthday. Mommy hadn't been there._

_Then, one day, she had to go home, all of a sudden. The princess didn't want to. _

_But Caroline had said that it was only for a little while, and they would see each other soon. Then, the princess got on a big plane and left the pretty kingdom she'd come to like._

_The end._

* * *

Car tires screech as vehicles quickly pull away from the curb at the loading area. Trunks slam noisily as children's bags are thrown into the back hastily and with little care.

Lillian Shepard sits with her big pink tote, just outside the automatic doors.

A smelly man and a cute puppy sit a little ways down the sidewalk.

She thinks he looks a little funny since he won't stop talking to himself, or to people he obviously doesn't know. Mommy said never to talk to strangers.

A few moments later, a woman with big dark sunglasses and red hair (kind of like Mommy's) walks up and says her name brightly, white teeth gleaming in the afternoon heat.

She pulls Lilly into her arms and makes some guy in a funny suit take her bag.

It makes Lilly disgruntled, being tugged and hearing all this noise at the same time, so quickly. She gets into the air conditioned back seat with the woman, biting her little pink lip.

The woman who sits next to her is supposed to be her Mommy, although everything inside the six year old screams this isn't true.

This woman smelled like rubbing alcohol and flowers, and wore too much make-up. She wore a fancy suit and pursed her lips a lot. This woman looked mean; which was _not _her mother.

Lilly could not, for the life of her, remember this car. It was sleek and black and mommy never liked black cars.

Everything inside the little girl rejected this woman. She was _not_ her _mother_.

But this woman hugged like her mother, and that made it all okay.

Then, once they were finally situated it the car, the woman fell silent. Everything was silent. The air conditioning buzzed as the car bumped along on the uneven streets, and nobody said a word. Her Mommy got on her phone.

Lilly didn't know why, but she kind of wanted to cry.

Without looking up, her Mommy says, "I have somebody I want you to meet."

Jenny Shepard doesn't notice that the six year old is shaking her head back and forth and her lower lip is trembling.

* * *

There's another car in the driveway of the home she hasn't seen in four months.

And it's not Nanny's.

The man takes her bag and her Mommy grabs her hand and she's pulled along like a rag doll again. Lilly doesn't really like dolls much.

Then, they're inside, and it's all familiar again. Lilly misses the oak floors, the comfortable lighting. She can even smell the food Noemi has cooked the evening prior. She wants to run up to her room, tries to, in fact, but Mommy has her arm and won't let go.

Lilly bites her lip again. It's almost raw now.

They walk into the kitchen. Mommy has been saying things, but sometimes Lilly can't hear people when they talk, and she's in thought. It happens a lot, actually.

Seated at the bar, there is a man.

He has really dark eyes. They narrow upon her, and make her want to run even more than she did to begin with. He makes her uncomfortable.

Mommy says his name is Bob.

* * *

After Mommy makes Lilly say 'hi' and all that, she lets her go upstairs to her room.

The walls have been painted white, and her tummy feels funny. Again.

A part of her wants to go ask her mother about it, but the other part hears her mother and Bob laughing really loudly downstairs, and doesn't want to.

* * *

Nanny didn't make dinner. Mommy says Nanny has gone away for a few days. Lilly really misses the woman.

Mommy keeps asking her questions about school. So many questions, her head spins. She tries to answer one, but then her mother asks another one, and she's off track again. Bob is still there, though he rarely says anything.

Mommy must like his presence, though, Lilly thinks, because she has no problem holding his hand. She tries to not think about how he won't stop watching her.

How she does not like it at all.

* * *

Red hair tickles her cheek as her mother kisses her forehead and tucks her in.

She tries not to think about how Bob still hasn't gone home.

Lilly does, however, think it really funny that he and Mommy sleep in the same bed.

* * *

The clock strikes midnight, and her door creaks open. Lilly is still awake, because she can never sleep when she's thinking so much.

Her first thought is to ask who it is, but suddenly there's a big, warm hand over her mouth. Every muscle freezes. Lilly's eyes widen in an unhealthy way.

It's Bob. He's whispering in her ear, and telling her not to say anything.

He wants to show her something really special. Something they can only do if she's really quiet.

When it's over, and her cheeks are red and flushed and her small fists clenched tight around the pink bed sheets, she won't let herself think anymore.

Bob keeps saying that Mommy will be really mad at her if she says a word.

He says it's 'their little secret'.

Lilly Shepard tries as she might not to think about how Mommy said secrets are bad.

Because Mommy says a lot of things. She promises a lot, too.

* * *

She never says anything about Bob again, and on her next visit home he's just not there.

An itty bitty part of her kind of misses him. One night, in her room at boarding school, she bites her lip so hard it starts to bleed.

* * *

_Once upon a time there was a little princess who grew up. _

_She started smiling at the little princes in her class. A princess she played with, Caroline, said she was acting funny. _

_She started ignoring Caroline a little bit. _

_Then, all of a sudden, the princess found out you could paint anything you wanted to. _

_She also found out that when an older man touched you, you had to tell someone immediately. The teacher who said it acted so serious and unhappy when she was telling all the little princesses about it. _

_The little princess decided she didn't wanna make anyone sad or unhappy. _

_The end._

* * *

Lillian Shepard lost a sense of her innocence.

And no one noticed.

* * *

**A/N- Sometimes, when I write, things come out that don't usually come out. But, before I get any PM's about it, yes, something similar happened to me, and yes. I am seeing a counselor. **

**Many would believe that because Jenny did not notice she is a bad mom. That is not the case, nor do I think she is. Everyone has their own flaws, and Jenny's is being a little full of herself. Driven. **

**And in life, bad things can happen to good people. **

**As I originally said, this was not meant to be a happy go lucky story. :)**


	8. The Dream Vacation

**I attempted to make this as overtly in character as possible. However, considering the difference between Jenny-without-a-kid and Jenny-with-a-kid, and the effects children have on people, I may have failed epic. **

**Your thoughts?**

**Disclaimer: I'll own this the second purple monkeys fly out my butt. **

**Tag: Hiatus Part One and Two.**

**-Livi**

* * *

"Lilly, will you braid my hair, please?"

"Sure, Caroline," the six and a half year old mumbled under her breath. She shoved away from the desk she was seated at, and threw the green fine-tipped pencil down. Today her muse wasn't striking her quite right.

Lithe fingers grasped at the blonde hair and began parting it immediately.

"So...are you going to your house for summer break?" Caroline asked.

Lilly shrugged her shoulders and bit her lip.

"I kind of wanted to go to that summer camp here."

"Oh," the blonde whispered, and winced as a strand of hair was tugged a little too hard.

"Sorry."

"It's okay. I think you should go home. I bet your mother misses you," she supplied innocently.

"I'm not sure. I mean, I guess. I miss the way she talks. And the way she hugs."

Before Bob. But she didn't add that.

"My mother hugs really good too. Some of the best mothers do. I like it how every summer everyone in my family goes to the park for a picnic everyday."

"_Oh," _Lilly said, and this time the tug of hair was a little intentional.

* * *

She did end up going home late June.

The heat was sickening and the flowers had all died. But mommy looked the same as she did before she left the first time, and that was enough to make everything perfect. Her hair was starting to grow back. Lilly liked her mother's hair long.

"How was school?"

"Good." A beat.

"I learned how to make a sculpture of a puppy. I painted him brown and red."

"Really? I'm sure that was really pretty, Lil," Jenny said as she tugged the heavy pink bag onto the staircase.

She smiled at her daughter. "Why don't we put that up later? Noemi wants to see you!"

* * *

"How has work been, Momma?"

The older redhead almost chokes on the cheeseburger, but doesn't.

"Good."

"That's good," Lilly says, and moves to tug her bottom lip between her teeth.

The dining room is silent for a while, and then, out of the blue, the six year old makes a rather large inquiry.

"Who's my Daddy?"

This time, Jenny does loose a bit of her food.

"Why do you ask, Lilly?"

The girl chose her words carefully, her blue eyes narrowing on her half-eaten plate.

"Because...Caroline and Ciara and even _Aubrey_, the mean girl in my class, have one. I want to know where mine is."

Jenny almost laughed at the possessive quality in her daughter's voice. And at the look of indignant displeasure in her young blue eyes, because it looks so much like Jethro half of her wanted to scream.

"Lily, your Daddy is a very, very good man. I was very in love with him before you were born. But, sometimes, things happen, and we have to choose between the love for ourselves, and the love for others. I wanted to do what was best for me, and you, though I didn't know about you then."

"Oh," the little girl whispers, and doesn't ever mention the subject of her father again.

They have ice cream after dinner, and they laugh because Mommy can't stop getting it on her shirt. Jenny explains to her daughter that Noemi will take care of her while she's at work and makes sure she understands she is not to play outside.

Later, the little girl is tucked in without a sound, after already haven fallen asleep on the couch.

They had watched _The Lion King_, because apparently that was her favorite movie. Jenny wished she'd already known that.

If you can't already tell, Jenny was just starting to regret..._things._

* * *

They go to the park, one Sunday.

Trees are swaying with the gentle breeze that is a saving grace throughout the suffocating heat. Warmth from the pavement licks at their ankles as they walk, hand and hand, through the comfortable greenery.

The peace is sweet.

"Mommy...how come I have to go to school so far away?"

Jenny feels a tightening in her chest, and she swallows hard. They pause at a bench, and sit down.

_Yeah, how come?_

Some things were starting to get very hard to explain.

"Lilly, my job makes some people not like me very much. If they were to know about you...they might want to hurt you."

The small redhead made a face. "Why would they want to hurt _me_?"

"Because if you got hurt, it would make me very sad," Jenny whispered.

Lilly's eyes widened.

There was a pregnant pause.

"I miss you a lot, though," the little girl mumbled, and tucked herself into her mother's embrace.

Jenny smiled weakly, and kissed Lilly's forehead. "I do too."

* * *

James Dempsey is dead, and Jennifer Shepard still can't breath. Or think. Or speak.

Facades are easy things, and come so naturally to her by now. She wore one as she made sarcastic banter with Ducky and Jethro. She didn't protest as the crystal eyed man insisted he drive her home.

Jethro dropped her off with a worried glance, and in that moment she wished so much to kiss his mouth. She wanted to see if he still tasted of coffee and bourbon. She wanted to wrap herself up in his sawdust aroma and hide in a corner for just a little bit.

It wasn't going to happen, much to Jenny's dismay.

Everything falls the moment she is in the door.

She runs for the toilet, almost not making it. After retching for a good five minutes, Jenny wipes her mouth and splashes her face with water. The house is dark, save a light in the living room.

With heavy legs, she finally reaches her bedroom. She falls into bed.

She cries.

Then, all of a sudden, there's a warm hand on her arm, and she flinches. Lilly smells like flowers and fabric softener, and it's comforting to her mother.

Her daughter looks at her, blue eyes wide and scared, and hugs her mother.

Jenny hugs her back with as much ferocity as she can muster.

They fall asleep like that.

* * *

"Cynthia, I need to take a few days off after the tonight."

The woman's eyes widened at her boss' order.

"It's just, I want to be able to have a few days, especially after...last week."

Lilly hadn't known about her mom's abduction, about Dempsey, but she _had _seen her mother cry. Had crawled into bed with her and hugged her because she didn't like seeing her mother in pain.

"Of course. I'll have it arranged."

Jenny's smile is a little brittle."Thanks, Cynthia."

* * *

The White House is all it's cracked up to be. Politicians and their wives, doting on their every move. Jenny is here alone.

It's around three hours into the party when her phone rings.

She hears Ducky's words, and wants to scream. Right there, in front of everyone.

But it's a show, it always has been, so she smiles and tells Condi she has to leave, that it's urgent, that her best agent is in the hospital. The same agent she has such deep feelings for, the same agent that fathered her child.

The same agent she left in Paris almost seven years ago.

She leaves the last of those details out, though, because she still needs to have her secrets.

* * *

It doesn't cross her mind until nearly midnight that she has a daughter waiting for her at home. At 11:30 the doctor had declared Jethro stable.

Jenny calls Noemi, and somehow, the woman understands immediately.

The Hispanic woman is comforting and says that she'll stay with Lilly for the night.

After they say their parting words, Jenny calls the airport.

Then she calls the boarding school, and the summer activity's instructor, and enrolls Lilly in the art camp going on for the next two weeks.

When she hangs up, she has a bitter taste in her mouth. But then she sees Jethro, lying there, and hears Abby's sobs, and her thoughts go to a different place.

* * *

Jenny is collected as she walks into her home for the first time in two days.

She hasn't showered in fifty-two hours. She wants to cry.

It's a hard thing to do, telling Lilly she has to go back to school.

Jenny explains it as Lilly's eyes crinkle up and her mouth forms a little 'o'. If the situation was different, it might've been a cute picture. The redhead spins, and starts filling the tote back up again, and doesn't see her daughter shaking her head.

She does, however, hear the six-year old start to cry. The mother in her wants to hold her daughter and soothe her and tell her she doesn't want her to go, but another part of Jenny thinks about Jethro's face as he recalled _his daughter and his wife. _The one's she never knew about.

The one's he felt he _couldn't _tell her about.

Then, something hits her in the back, hard. The woman almost lost her balance. She was taken so off guard.

"_No..._You can't make me _leave!"_Lilly growls, her small fists clenching tight.

Jennifer Shepard gives her daughter a tap on the rear, and the girl straightens up, her eyes going wide and her bottom lip quivering.

Jenny hugs her daughter, then, because that's all she can do. Lilly starts sobbing, and her mother wishes to hit herself on the back of the head.

"_I'm sorry. Please _don't make me go!" The words are thick as they are moaned into Jenny's wet blouse.

Lilly wraps her arms around her mother's waist. Jenny picks her up.

"Lilly...you can come back in a few weeks, baby. I'm not saying goodbye to you forever," she whispers, stroking her daughter's cheek.

There's a few sniffles, and then a little, "Okay."

Lilly hiccups, and Jenny smiles sadly. "Come on, there's a car waiting outside."


	9. The Bear Ambition

**So...I would like to first and foremost say that the angst is almost over. Remember when Jenny found out she was sick? Recall; when did Jenny stop acting like a...ummm...mean director? That- is when the angst shall be over. But then what happens? As I said, this story is only AU because of Lilly. And she won't meet her father until much later. THANKS for sticking with me! Love ALL the reviews! :)**

**-Alivia **

**(P.S. Someone PM'd me about how I came up with all these horrid angsty mother-daughter scenarios. Well, folks, I've kept a writing spiral since age five.)**

* * *

The shirt she wore was making her skin itchy and red. Her mom knew she didn't like itchy things. But the shirt had been on her bed to wear. Why had she bought her something like this?

The pink shirt smelt funny too. Like vanilla, instead of the usual lavender. She didn't like the color pink, anyway. Momma _knew_ that.

Lilly got a funny feeling, sitting at the breakfast nook in late August.

She did not like it.

Nor did she like the man who stood next to her gorgeous mother at the stove, watching as his hand reached down to stroke the bare skin of Jenny's hip where the shirt had ridden up a bit.

Momma said his name was _Todd_.

* * *

The Todd guy was nice enough, she thought, as she ate her steak and asparagus willingly. She liked it when her mom cooked this.

He had a nice smile, and his eyes were nicer than Bob's had ever been. He was nice. Nice. Todd wore really fancy clothes though, and he wouldn't stop looking at her mom and touching her hand.

Therefore, Lilly decided that although he was nice, she didn't like him at all.

* * *

"So, are you ready to go back to school?"

Lilly glanced at Todd and nodded. Her blue eyes fell to her uneaten food, and she began gnawing on her bottom lip furiously.

Jenny cleared her throat, shoving a strand of short red hair behind her ear roughly.

"Tomorrow I thought Todd and I would take you to the circus. Would you like that, Lil?" her mother asked quietly.

Saphire met emerald, sharply.

"No."

The silence descended immediately, and passed for what seemed like minutes. Her mother's expression was unreadable.

"What? Why not?"

The little girl pursed her lips, looking at the brown wood of the table. The suface was worn from use.

"I just don't wanna."

Jenny's cheeks were tinged red as she looked at Todd. He seemed to be embarassed as well.

"Well, young lady, you're going anyway."

Lilly scrunched up her petite features, but didn't say a word the rest of the meal.

* * *

She liked the bears the most. They were big, and mean, and strong, and invincible. If she were a bear, the mean girls at school wouldn't dare bother her. Mommy would be a Mommy Bear, and never ever leave her; the cub. And there'd be a Daddy Bear.

But it would be her real Daddy.

Todd is holding her mother's lithe hand; Lilly can see it from the corner of her eye in the dim light.

If she was a bear, she could eat Todd.

* * *

Mommy makes her say 'thank you.'

But even then, she just mumbles it.

Todd stands outside the car with Jenny and smiles and hugs her.

Says, 'This won't work', in a quiet and resigned voice.

When they get back to the Gorgetown home he gets in his car and leaves. Jenny doesn't mean to, it's almost unconcious, but a small part of her blames her daughter. Just a teensy tiny bit.

* * *

"Lilly," she starts, sitting up a little straighter, flipping off the television and holding her daughter's eyes firmly.

The eyes that are a carbon copy of Jethro's. The eyes that make her head hurt if she looks at them too long, and her heart sting.

"The way you acted towards Todd this past weekend was unacceptable."

The young girl bit her lip and began twisting a strand of her hair.

"Todd was stupid," she said bleakly.

"Lillian-"

"How come you can't get back together with my Daddy?"

Jenny sighs, reaching a hand up to rub her temple.

"That's not going to happen," Jenny stated quietly, her tone conveying the exhaustion of the subject. It was sore. She didn't want to talk about it.

"Why not? Prince Charming is always with the Princess and I'm sure Daddy wants you back! And besides that fact, everyone has their own Daddy, and Todd is not a real one and-

_"Enough_."

The words are ice in veins, heat to frostbite. They halt the commotion. They make Lilly's eyes water.

Jenny doesn't notice.

She's too busy thinking about the fact that Jethro is in Mexico and that he is gone and retired and that _he had a family_. A real one, like she and Lilly. One that was demolished. Torn. One that he deserved, and never got. One that she and her daughter would never be the replacements for.

"Lilly, you are living in a fairytale world. Princes aren't real, baby-

"I bet Daddy still loves you."

Something inside Jenny ripped a little bit.

"_You_ haven't even met the man, Lillian! He's gone, and he's not coming back. And the sooner you stop acting like such an igorant child and just grow up-

Jenny breaks off, her eyes going wide at her own words, her breath catching in her throat.

There is a rush of air, and then a door slamming.

Her daughter gets on a plane tomorrow and leaves for third grade on another continent, to another life.

Jenny hugs herself and her eyes sting as she realizes she keeps pushing her daughter further away.

* * *

A week later, a man is identified as Rene Benoit in a photo. Director Jennifer Shepard begins going in early and staying late.

There is a job to be done. A vengence to be sought.


	10. The Winner Looses

**The last chapter that is fraught with mommy-daughter angst. Kind of. Please review! :D**

**-Alivia**

* * *

**The Big Win.**

Silence fell upon the jittery crowd.

The large auditorium smelled of musk and was cramped full of row upon row of Directors, Politicians, and other goverment workers. Tonight, though, they weren't any of those things.

They were parents.

All but the stage, casted in a single beam of white light, was dimmed. A young girl was seated in one of the wings, next to the other competitors. Discreetly, her pretty pink lip was released from the usual residence between her pearly white teeth. Her hands shook, folded neatly in her lap. Nothing else informed anyone of her distress, of her internal anxious battle.

"And the winner of a sleek black IPod and title of First Place is...Lilly Sheppard!"

The standing ovation made her heart claw at her throat and her mouth feel like cotton. Caroline pulled her up from her seat, the smell of flowers enveloping her as she was pushed towards the stage roughly. The blonde little girl wouldn't stop smiling. "Go, Lilly, go! You won!" she said.

"You're so cool Lilly!"

"Can you teach me how to draw as good as you?"

"Sit with me at lunch tomorrow!"

The compliments wouldn't stop coming as she made her way to the front of the stage. The eight year old girl's sparkly black dressed wooshed at her knees, which were unsteady. Blinded by the bright light, she couldn't see much past the first row, as the head mistress patted her back and whispered 'congratulations' in French in her ear.

Her face felt unnaturally hot.

She opened her mouth to speak, her blue eyes still squinting, her mouth still dry. Lilly's heart wouldn't stop pounding in her tiny chest.

The auburn haired little girl froze. Then, all of a sudden, the bright beam of light became dimmer, and the second row was clear, was instantly in her view, as she searched for the green eyes, the bright red hair, that would make her unfrozen and her lips move. That would make the words come.

The green eyes, the red hair, weren't there. All that was there was the pretty burgundy seat, the empty one, with a white piece of paper taped to the back of it. She could barely make out the black ink that she knew said _'Reserved: Sheppard'._

At her silence, the crowd was quiet. The words wouldn't come.

And then...then the laughing started.

And the tears wouldn't stop coming.

* * *

"Director Sheppard's office, how can I help you?" the dark haired woman said, her eyes blinking awake as she cleared her throat and rested her coffee cup on a plush mat. It was nearly seven-thirty in the morning, in DC.

"Hello. May I speak with her, please," a voice came, thickly accented. French, Cynthia decided.

"She's in a meeting at the moment. Would you like to leave a message?"

"Ah...yes."

Cynthia raised an eyebrow. "I could connect you to her private line shortly, I'll just need-"

"No. Thank you, however...please just tell her that Lilly is very upset." The woman sounded frustrated.

"Excuse me, Lilly?"

"Her daughter."

There was a pregnant pause, eyes unaturally wide, mouth falling open stupidly. "I'll do that, ma'am."

"Thank you." And then, there was but a dial tone. Cynthia placed the phone down a little harder than she usually did.

* * *

An insistent knocking rung in her ears. Her eyes stung. Her head pounded. Jenny Sheppard wasn't having a good day.

But then again, lately, nothing seemed too perky.

"Come in!" she snapped, clicking her pen and slamming it down on her oak desk.

Slightly taken aback it was the woman she'd told to tell anyone and everyone _not _to bother her, she paused a moment in the sure tirade that was to come. But the dark-skinned woman's hesitance to speak didn't shield her for long.

"Cynthia, _what_ is it?"

It was then she noticed the dark look in the young woman's dark eyes. The glimmer of anger, of mistrust, there. Jenny sat back in her chair, redirecting immediatly.

"What's wrong? What happened?"

Shutting the door firmly behind her, toned ankles carried her body a few steps forward. The silence grew, as well as the feeling in the pit of the redhead's stomach that something was really _really wrong. _

"A woman called while you were in the meeting with SecNav," Cynthia spoke steadily.

Emerald eyes narrowed in the slightest, confusion passing through her gaze momentarily. "And?"

There was a snarky edge to the woman's tone. No way to speak to her boss. The boss she'd known for three years. The boss who had cared enough to buy her a _scarf _in Paris. An expensive one. No way to speak to a boss that she'd _thought_ she knew well. Obviously, she was wrong.

"Apparently, Lilly, your _daughter_-" the words caught in Cynthia's throat "-is very upset at this moment in time."

Jennifer Sheppard's jaw went slack for all of two seconds. She looked a little pale. Like she'd been slapped, or seen a ghost, perhaps.

She didn't notice Cynthia's mistrusting eyes, or the questions everything posed.

"_Oh god_," Jenny whispered, so softly, so brokenly, Cynthia barely heard her.

In the next few seconds, she was out of her chair, her light coat thrown over her arm and her designer purse on her shoulder.

"Cancel everything. I won't be here," was all the older woman said as she left the office.

* * *

**Earlier that day. **

_Aubrey made Madame Claira braid her hair because she wanted to look nice to see her mom. Aubrey had puckered her perfect little lips into such a pucker and allowed her sweet brown eyes to drop in such a way. It confused Lilly Sheppard to no end how just that one look could make a grown woman do something. _

_Lilly had wanted her hair braided too. But Aurbrey was the woman's favorite, she knew. Aubrey always got to have Fun Time first. _

_Her blue eyes wandered as her blond companion dressed in a purple dress similar to Lilly's. For some reason, she thought Caroline looked better in the style than she did. _

_"I think you are going to win tonight, Lilly," Caroline said softly as she held up the strings on the back of the dress, expecting Lilly to tie them for her._

_"I don't really think so. You've seen Aubrey's oil paints, haven't you? They're perfect," she mumbled as her lithe fingers worked at the material._

_"Your's are prettier," the blond girl said, matter-of-fact. _

_"We'll see, won't we?"_

_Lilly sat on the bed and sighed. Her tummy didn't feel good._

_"I'm so glad you get to meet my mommy today. I've been telling her about you for a while. She really wants to meet you."_

_Her blue eyes lit up. "Hey, my momma's gonna be here today too."_

_Caroline nodded, and smiled a little at her best friend's sudden acknowledgment of the fact._

_She didn't notice the way Lilly Sheppard started gnawing on her bottom lip after the subject was brought up._

_"Where's _your _mom?" the dark brown haired girl said snottily._

_In that moment, Lilly decided a day would come when she would wipe that smirk right off Aubrey's pretty little face._

_"Oh, I'm sorry, I thought you could see, Aubrey. She's not here yet. Do you need glasses or something?"_

_Aubrey scrunched up her nose and rolled her eyes. "Whatever."_

_"Girls," Claira admonished, shooting the two eight year old's a look. _

_Caroline was off with her mother. Aubrey had left her mom and dad to come 'talk to her friend'._

_Lilly Sheppard's mother wasn't at the airport yet. She wasn't on the plane most of the mommy and daddy's were on. _

_Lilly had decided that because her Momma was so important, she couldn't fly with regular kid's moms and dads. _

_She told Aubrey that, right to her stupid face. Now Aubrey wouldn't stop bugging her. _

_Claira knelt down beside Lilly, her tall, thin form complimented by the nice clothes she wore. Of the twenty five eight year old' s in her class, she thought Lilly was the most mature for her age. She was an old soul, as Claira had come to learn in the three years she'd known her._

_"Lil, has your mom told you what flight she'd be on?" she asked hesitantly._

_"No," Lilly, muttered, her eyes glued to the floor. _

_There was a small pause._

_"But I think she'll be on one that'll come in a few hours. I think we should all just go back to school. She'll be here."_

_It made the young woman deeply unsettled that the little girl's eyes were so trusting, yet so guarded. Almost like she feared the worst. Like she knew what could go wrong, would go wrong._

_Like someone who knew they'd placed their eggs in the entirely wrong basket._

* * *

**Three and a half months earlier. **

_The conversation had been light, short, but as important as any report that she had to sign off on every night._

_Early morning sun shone through the window of her Gorgetown home. The smell of food filled the air, as bacon sizzled lightly in a pan. _

_The just-eight year old had sat on a stool in the well furnished kitchen. Peace radiated from everything, rare in the case of the forty-two year old Director of NCIS-slash-Momma and her fiesty auburn haired daughter. There was no doubt their relatonship was anything near perfect, but it was Lilly's birthday, so a momentary pause in chaos was allowed, seemingly. _

_Jenny Sheppard was at the stove, her hair in a messy bun, a ratty old t-shirt clung to her curvy form._

_It had been Jethro's. But she didn't think of him and all that jazz today, no. _

_Only the amazing little being they'd created, who currently sipped on a glass of orange juice and had a quiet look in her blueblue eyes._

_"What are you thinking about, baby?" Jenny had said softly._

_It took Lilly a moment to respond. "Well...there's this art comp...compet..."_

_"Competition?" she said with a smile._

_"Uh-huh. That. And it's in December, and, well, I kinda wanted you to come. But you don't have to."_

_She ducked her head like she was embarassed for asking in the first place. It made Jenny's heart squeeze a bit._

_"Lilly, of course I'll be there. You like drawing a lot, huh?" At that her messy auburn curls shook with the force of the nod. _

_The smile that enveloped the little girl's face felt like a breath of fresh air to her mother. Comforting. Normal. _

_It was the last they spoke of it, and they went about their morning without any fuss._

* * *

_**After the Big Win.**_

"Lilly, Lilly, it's okay. Please don't cry. I don't like it when you're sad," Caroline whispered fervently, her green eyes distressed and her eyebrows scrunched.

"They _laughed," _she wailed, her face red and puffy and her blue eyes tinged with tears. Caroline stroked her back in a comforting manner, unsure why she was left with the task of making Lilly not upset, but not opposing it, because this was her _best friend._ She didn't want her best friend to be sad.

Her best friend was the most awesomest person she'd ever met.

"They are _stupid_!" Caroline spat, her blond hair falling in a tumble around her neck.

"She wasn't there."

At that, Caroline didn't really know what to say. She didn't have that problem.

She didn't have a mom who said she was gonna be there, and who wasn't.

"I hate her."

The words were dark in the quiet room of the two girls. Ominous.

Wrong.

"I hate her so much."

They were as wrong as they were irrevocable.


	11. A Loss of Balance

_Dear Diary,_

_There are a few things I know for certain. (Certain was a word on my vocabulary test last week. I like it.) Like how the sky is blue. Except it's different. Because I only_ _know what I know because of the experiences I've had. The thing is, I don't like doing something wrong a second time. I wanna have a problem once, and then fix it and never have to think about it again. I'm gonna start a list. Like a honey-do list. Caroline says her Mom gives her Dad one all the time. I wouldn't know. I don't have a Dad. _

_But that's not what we're talking about right now. I guess I'll have to tell you about that one later, but that is something you should know. Anyways, yeah, that list. I'm gonna start it, and I'm not gonna end it until I'm dead. Here it goes. Hope it works. I don't like making mistakes (another word on the test). And on the subject of mistakes, Miss Collette said something funny to me. I missed the word, spelled it mistaykes instead of the way it's supposed to be spelled. She said the way I can remember is that mis- means to not get it right. And take- think about taking chances. Then it all made sense. _

_A mistake is what I am. And I'm okay with it, I guess. Because like I said, once you make a mistake you never have to make it again if you don't want to. And that's the end of that. _

_Love,_

_Lilly_

* * *

_Lilly's List_

_One: Girls are mean. And jealous. _

_Two: If something smells too nice, or looks too good (like chocolate) it's probably bad for you._

* * *

"I think Marcus likes you, Lilly," Caroline whispers in her ear slyly.

The auburn haired nine year old's pretty pink lips pull to a corner, and her eyes glimmer with mirth. She kind of likes Marcus too, although she'd never tell her best friend that.

Lilly Sheppard ignores her fellow blond companion, focusing solely on the task at hand. An essay, it seems, about role models.

Certain things nag at her, twist and tear at her, as she sits in that fourth grade classroom and thinks about this particular topic.

She hasn't bitten her lips in weeks.

She hasn't seen her mother in nearly six months.

She really doesn't want to go home this summer.

But she knows she has to.

The train of thought makes her grimace a bit, as the teacher raps up and tells them to have a wonderful break. Lilly really wishes she had signed up for the sketch camp.

And even though Caroline keeps saying Marcus likes _her,_ she knows that the only reason her friend says that is because the boy keeps asking the blond about herself. That, in reality, Marcus is just trying to find a familiar subject of conversation.

That the boy really likes her best friend.

And sometimes, like the upperclassmen say, life just kind of 'sucks'.

"Lilly!"

It throws her off a bit when her mother says her name so brightly upon greeting, and hugs her so tight. The cell phone is nowhere in sight. Her mother smells like she did _before. _Like, before, before. And, it feels nice.

Somehow, she wishes there was more vocabulary for this particular feeling, but she has not felt it in so long and-

Home. That's it- It feels like home.

A part of her, though, is still weary. So, she regards her mother with a squint in her gorgeous blue gaze and only offers up a quiet 'Hi, Mom.'

* * *

_Three: Some things only make sense after it happens. Like a year after it happens._

* * *

On the opposite end of the stick, the word 'Mom' instead of 'Mommy' catches Jenny Sheppard just as off guard.

Makes her swallow hard, and stop smiling as brightly.

But she still smiles, because her baby girl is there. And so, so, beautiful.

And she just realizes how much she thoroughly missed her.

Jenny leads her to the car and doesn't let her mind go to the fact this will likely be the last time her daughter comes home for the summer. Maybe even the last summer they will spend together.

No reason to spoil the moment, even though it already has a sour after taste.

"So, when did you get so _tall?"_

The younger girl is struck with the scent of cookies wafting through the air. Noemi's chocolate chip cookies. There's lemonade on the granite countertop, too. Lilly hasn't seen any of this in such a long time.

"I don't know," she whispers, and gives her mother a small smile.

"I thought we'd go to the park a little later, huh? How does that sound? I don't have to work the rest of the weekend."

"Good." Another short answer, that leaves a wry smirk on the redhead's lips.

"Lilly, sometimes you really remind me of your father," Jenny says lightly.

Blueblue eyes stare up into emerald with a curiosity, a longing, yet no words pass between them.

"So, does the park sound good?"

A nod, a smile, and Jenny's warm laughter fills the air.

Lilly Sheppard will remember her mother like this, in the end.

* * *

_May 2008_

"Lilly, cherie, the principal needs to see you in her office. Take your books."

Everyone won't stop looking at her, as she makes her way down the aisle of desks to the wooden door.

It's almost worse than when she'd won the art contest. Almost.

Lilly's stomach feels awfully funny. In fact, even though she doesn't know what's really wrong yet, because something _is_ really wrong, she stills feels like she's going to throw up.

It's not a good sign at all.

* * *

_Four: If something seems wrong, it's wrong._

* * *

**Disclaimed. This is officially the end of true drama and angst. From here on out it's just sad. THANK YOU to those who have stayed with this story. I know my updates are sporadic, and I'll try hard to get the next chapter up within the next two weeks. Love ya!**

**-Alivia**


	12. Silence is the loudest noise

**This is kind of a filler chapter, I guess. So exhausted because dance rehearsal ran late (which in turn made me miss NCIS). Sigh. Random: My neck hurts.**

**Meh, it's not beta'd. Deal with it. Please review. Won't update until I have five of the sweet little gems. Gracias. **

**Love you all. Disclaimed.**

**-Alivia**

* * *

The building stood, stark against its seemingly normal surroudings. Lilly Sheppard thought it was very tall. (Or maybe she was just very small.)

Ominous. Dark. Unwelcome.

_Clack. Clack. _(One, two. Three, four. Five, six. Seven, eight.)

The building seemed serious, as she was pulled inside and given a nametag and had to walk through really funny metal detectors. Her frosty gaze wearily took in her surroundings.

She did not like serious things, even if her mom had kept calling her that when she last visited from school.

Her mother-

_(One, two. Three. Four. Five, six.)_

_Momma is-_

_(Seven. Eight.)_

Clack. Clack.

The social worker's heels stopped making their funny little noise. Mommy's heels had never sounded that loud. But Mommy wasn't that big. She didn't know this woman's hair color, or her name, for that matter, but Lilly Sheppard could not let go of her hand. The nine year old clung to it. In the time since they'd gotten off the plane, she had memorized the woman's skin texture, her nail color.

Her hands felt swollen, like a plastic glove that had been stuffed with air.

Momma showed that trick to her once. It had made her laugh. Momma laughed too.

Momma is-

_D-E-A-D_

Lilly had never had that as a spelling word, nor had she read it in a book. The stories they provided her with at school had never cared to mention such mature topics.

In fairytales, people never die.

She had never been taught the letters of the word, yet she could sound it out. One syllable. One meaning.

Synonym (which is _just _like cinnamon- Momma liked that in her hot chocolate) : Gone.

Never coming back.

Crying was not something Lilly liked to do, as it made her face hot and sticky and her head hurt.

No, she would not cry until much later, but Lilly had questions. So many.

Why? How? When? Where?

_Why?_

Suddenly, she didn't like God very much at all. Caroline had told her bedtime stories about how God was the man with the answers, and that he created everything. Controlled everything.

Why would God do this?

He must be really mean with all his power.

"Lillian, Director Vance is going to personally take you to your father. You'll be home soon, but you have to let go of my hand so I can talk to him, okay?"

She never looked up from the bright pink polish.

_Lilly. It's Lilly! _She couldn't make the words come. Just like the award ceremony.

She bit her lip so they would stop bubbling to the surface.

A lip that was already raw and bleeding and sore and tender.

It felt as if everything was _suffocating her. _

A nod, eventually, was drawn from the petite head. Letting go took a few seconds.

Her hand was wet with sweat.

There was a chair in the corner of the room. It wasn't as comfortable as the one on the plane, but she sat down anyway, rubbing the fabric of her plaid skirt absentmindedly between her thumb and her forefinger. She wanted to stop thinking. To go away for awhile; but not sleep.

Lilly Sheppard hated nightmares almost as much as she hated liars.

_Number Five: Silence is the loudest kind of noise. Sometimes it's the best way to do things._

* * *

Leroy Jethro Gibbs felt like an elephant was sitting directly on his chest cavity. His mouth was dry. His eyes stung, as he wiped at them sharply and blinked a few times.

He had a daughter.

And even though it hurt, God it _hurt, _to think about her, he was so pissed off at Jen and their pride ad that stupid director's chair that she would never fill again. The one she left him for.

A daughter.

Some woman with a fancy breifcase and over-priced shoes had been there after the funeral, informing him of the fact. She reeked of lawyer. The stupid woman acted indifferent.

Jethro wanted to scream at her until his throat hurt, but he couldn't.

He wanted Jenny to magically appear with that mischevious smirk upon her gorgeous face, screaming_ 'Surprise!'_

_Fooled you, Jethro!_

Ha, ha. Funny Jen.

Lilly, her name was Lilly. She'd been on the Earth for nine years.

He'd missed that much time. He _should not have had to. _

"Dammnit Jenny," he muttered slamming his palm down upon the wooden surface of the conference table.

It drew a cautious look from Abby, seated across from him at the table. Ziva merely gave a glance.

Jenny had left Abby a pair of high heeled boots, and the latter a hunting knife.

At least Jenny had still had her humor.

He loved how she looked in boots.

The lawyer was ten minutes late. Lilly and the social worker were to follow a half hour later.

There was a numbness to arranging the meeting. The social worker, who sounded way too young over the phone, had mentioned Lilly wasn't talking to anyone. Jethro hadn't the audacity to confer with Ducky about the subject. He had no worry.

Truth was, he himself didn't want to talk to anyone either.

But that wasn't an option anymore.

Not since he'd found out about a daughter who wasn't dead and that he'd never looked in the eyes. Not since Svetlana called him in Jenny's home. Not since he'd called her, and hadn't spoken to her, but DiNozzo.

_'Boss...she's dead.'_

No 'sorry' was allowed.

_Jenny's dead. _


	13. The beginning in The End

When they did end up finally meeting for the first time, there was no major motion picture moment.

She did not run into her father's arms ad sob brokenly and pretend as if everything relied upon him and his approval. In the same, he did not break down into tears at seeing those gorgeous blue eyes- darker than Kelly's had ever been, flecks of emerald coloring them. Jenny's green.

Jethro did realize almost immediately that her hair was the exact shade of his ex-lover's. Before. In Paris.

There was no resentment or bitterness in the first moment they shared together. He couldn't even claim it was awkward- no.

Only staring.

And then, slowly, so slowly, she let go of the Social Service woman's hand. Peeling away old skin.

Lilly Sheppard took a hesitant step forward- and then another.

In the deep recesses of her subconscious mind, she _did _wonder if her father would reject her.

Yet, if he had, she may not have felt too much pain. Blue eyes and silver hair were not much to be attatched to- he was only a title to her at that very moment.

Daddy. Father. Dad.

She wanted her mother, her _Momma, _and would give up this pitiful man in a second if she could have the woman in her life again. The nine year old regretted.

Tugging at her gut, pain, searing pain, bit at her, the stark revelation of her mother's death ever present.

Suddenly, Lilly did not want to think.

Almost as if drugged, aware of those steely blue eyes upon her, studying her, she trudges forward on short, tired legs. And sits down in the chair next to a man she barely knows. She takes his hand, because he offers it. Mommy would want her to be well-mannered.

And she looks at the Social Services woman expectantly.

That is when she finally allows herself to breathe.

* * *

_This is the final chapter- short, but I felt it was appropriate. The will be an epilogue following. Expect it over Thanksgiving break. :)_


End file.
